areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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