I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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