CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
