He kissed a someone with a penis
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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