Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
