u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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