i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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