halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
