My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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