I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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