When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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