I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
