I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
