I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My feet surprised me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
