sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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