I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
