I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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