you turned your livingroom into a bong?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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