I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
