my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
we should paint friendship bongs
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