just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Watching her eat just hurts me
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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