he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the condom got lost in my hair
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
