I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
