Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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