is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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