I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
