Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
