My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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