My liver just broke up with me...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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