You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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