You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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