Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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