Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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