"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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