the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
