Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
