when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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