U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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