Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
