actually, I'm a sock model
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
