Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
