the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
