wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
