i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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