Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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