just tell him i said nine months
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
