Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
