Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Actions speak louder than pants.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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