You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
