1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You are the jesus of drinking
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
